The first snow day of the year, the first snow day in 3 years and my kids were so excited, especially my daughter it was her first snow day. We knew the night before and we had planned to take the new sleds out for a test drive. I woke up my body told me NOPE DON'T THINK SO...
I woke with the beginnings of the flu, and the beginnings of an attack. I would fight through the flu, but an attack you can't work through it. In my mind I was trying to figure out any way possible for me to get on the hills. I thought lay down on the couch for a bit and we can go after lunch. That was laughable, after I got up cooked lunch, did the dishes I was done, the pain was getting worse and I could no longer stand without the room spinning around.
I felt so guilty I couldn't take my kids out sledding. A tradition. An activity that we all love.
My kids were great, they checked my temperature, played cards with me and were very gentle. They understood and still had fun, still played, and we read together, but I felt so guilty.
I am not great when I have something a certain way planned in my head and it doesn't go that way, I get upset and frustrated (I like things to go my way, yes I know how that sounds, but I'm honest). But to not be able to do something because your body isn't working is maddening. I know my children are disappointed, but they made the best out of the situation. I love them for that.
However, guilt works wonders on a mother. I usually order takeout for dinner when I am not doing so good. Not last night, I had promised my daughter Tuesday night that she could cook dinner, she loves to cook dinner (from scratch) and I encourage what they love. At 4:30 my daughter asked with her apron on,
"Mommy you ready to start cooking?"
My body was saying NO and the pain shooting through my body was making its point, but my heart and head said you promised. I stood up, felt the room spin, and was the sous chef. We made Roast with Homemade Macaroni and Cheese. My body made me pay, and still is, but to see the pride in my daughters face made any pain worth it.
How do you deal with the guilt? Even if the children understand and they are not upset it doesn't help in the guilt, in fact it makes it greater.
I try with all that I have, not to let my Fibro affect my children and their activities, but it is not possible. When you are unable to stand, see straight, or the pain is blinding it is going to affect your children and what you can do with them. I am thankful for it not stopping me everyday, but the days it does the guilt is overwhelming.
How do you deal with guilt?
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